Writing this post has been one of the most challenging pieces in creating the journey that is now know as “I Am”. In the whirlwind of teaching, connecting, and practicing the tools, the moments to truly sit and reflect are rare – and hence, that much more precious.
“I Am” is a project of healing. The original curriculum emerged through a time where, mourning the loss of my grandfather, I sought a vessel for my voice. I needed a voice for my sadness, and I needed a place for it to find expression. I believe that everything we do, every choice we make in our lives is an expression of who we are. Sometimes, it is an expression of what we are afraid to say – or simply, what we cannot find the words for.
I didn’t know how to say that I was sad. Even with all of the work I had done with myself, and the years spent working my recovery, I found myself at a loss for words – my voice quiet and my body holding pain. This both frustrated me and fascinated me – how is it that I couldn’t simply say the words, “I am sad.” As a life-long writer, I picked up the one tool that has always helped me find voice – my pen.
I wrote and wrote and wrote about ways in which I have learned to access emotion in my body – I taught myself the first “I Am” lesson through my written reflections. I mourned my grandfather, Asher Shamir (z”l) in a way that also honored his spirit – by writing and teaching myself love. I started to pay more attention to people around me –my friends, my family, my classmates, and particularly – my students. I noticed that I wasn’t the only one struggling. I saw that I was surrounded by people who lived in fear of their own emotional truths. These were –and still are - beautiful, intelligent, talented, successful, influential, compassionate people, and yet still afraid.
The “I Am” Workshops are about giving our bodies – our selves – a voice. Stress is the modern interpretation of our bodies registering danger. Physiologically, our response to stress is the same our ancestors’ response to immediate danger. This is why when it remains untreated, stress is destructive – it rewires our nervous systems and we create unhealthy patterns. We create broken ways to cope because we are, ourselves, broken. After weeks of writing, I had written a series of lessons dedicated to exploring that very dilemma – the dilemma of what is “I Am”. The hook? Truth. The truth is that no matter how old we are, we want someone to hear and see us. The “I Am” Lessons are about teaching that we can be here for ourselves.
The journey towards The “I Am” Project, and thus the evolution of the lessons traces my own multifaceted road towards healing. On this road, I’ve been blessed with guidance from teachers who have shared the wisdom of their own learning with me. I am deeply grateful to have been able to share my path with them, and to have had their guidance in my healing.
My voice started as a squeak when I first found an empathetic therapist – Joy Sanjek – who at the very beginning taught me that despite all I felt was wrong with me, I could see myself with compassion. Through my work with her – spanning 5 years and many long distance moves – I have accessed and owned more of my story. By being able to tell my story, I freed the judgmental voices that kept me in the grip of illness and negative self-image.
This opened my ability to use my story to help others – particularly those who have been affected by assault and violence. Through the careful and nurturing guidance of Iris Stern Levy, activist, feminist, defender of women’s rights and then director of volunteers at The Sexual Assault Crisis Center in Tel Aviv, I learned to listen to the stories of other survivors and use my own to guide them too. My voice grew stronger as I witnessed the power of being given the space to speak.
I further learned to see the strength my body through my Yoga practice and through my diving practice. I learned to exist in harmony with myself in other environments, to trust myself, and to treat my body kindly. I eventually found my way into the boxing ring. It is here, training with Vanessa Chakour, where I learned to access the strength in my body. Vanessa teaches from the tools she has unearthed through her own journey of healing. Training with her allowed me the space to look beyond my body and quiet my mind enough to hear the messages from my spirit. It opened the door for me to access my power, and find my voice. I wrote and reflected on how our training helped me access myself. This eventually turned into a live blog – Finding My Feet – in which I wrote about my experiences in training and eventually, my dance classes. Through our work together, I had the great honor of witnessing Vanessa claim her own voice as a teacher. She now shares her wisdom, her journey, and her guidance to healing in her Sacred Warrior teachings and workshops.
As I accessed more strength in my body, I also discovered more confidence in myself- and eventually in my steps. I ventured into an avenue that I never thought I would explore – the world of dance through Zumba classes taught by fiercely talented dancer and choreographer, Irena Meletiou. The lessons I have learned about myself through her classes have translated beyond the studio walls. From infusing my own teaching with more presence and confidence, to allowing me the simple peace of existing in my body – I learned that when I offer my best self, I can be strong, balanced, and beautiful.
The combination of their voices in my journey culminated in my reaching the message that I weave into every lesson:
- It’s okay for you to be you -
I am honored and excited to be partnering with The Minding Your Mind Foundation, Tribe 12 Fellowship, and of course continuing my work with the eVOLVE class at Bala Cynwyd Middle School to continue to grow and nurture "I Am."
What is the path onward? Only time will tell –my hope is to fill it with more awareness, more empathy, and more kindness in the world.
Yali Szulanski for The "I Am" Project
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